Tomato Productions(tm)

2012-01-16T18:32:00.004+08:00

It's me again.

Life's been busy as per the usual, with tons of drama since my last proper post. YLDP, new years, college, work, work, work, work.

It's weird, the feeling when the things that you feel close to your heart is being messed up and you no longer have any control, simply cause you did not respond fast enough.

i guess leave it all to HIM? hmm.

i guess i need to do something about this too, though. hmm.

a saying that's been engraved in my mind for a very long time (a not easy to follow one, at that) is something along the lines of: "we can pray for God for wind to push the sails, but we must row the boat as well!" (it's by Enid Blyton. my puny mind does not remember word for word) Food for thought.

-------

ps: i'll try to update my blog weekly from henceforth. i am, a procrastinating lil bastard, though.

the irritating thoughts never do leave me at night, do they?

2012-01-04T22:14:00.002+08:00

busy, busy, busy, busy.

haih.

Swallowing the pride

2011-11-14T23:54:00.001+08:00

Sorry I've not blogged in a while. But believe me when i say if you were to read what i would say in the past few months that i have not blogged, all of you would have gotten fed up of the same old, same old i always post.

and i believe the wait is worth it.

I've had enough of wallowing and being stuck in the same spot. I've had enough of giving in. I'm letting it go and i'm coming back. I'm not gonna give a single damn to whatever whosoever decided to say.

Troubles? what troubles. i. do. not. care.

whoever is saying shit about me, screw you. i trusted you with information that you blew it up and shared with people whom are equal hypocritical bollocks. everyone thinks they know the truth about me, but they do not.

No one has experienced what i have experienced in the past 4 years. no one has to go through the same either. i stand by my principals. no one can change that - even by killing me.

i trust no one, and no one trusts me anymore, anyway. so what the hell, i'm moving on.

if no one wants to have what i stand for and what i have to give, it is fine. if no one, even amongst my closest friends, appreciate me for who i am, i do not care. even if it is my family. i will just move on and leave the things, for better and greater stuff.

i operate life, my way from henceforth. my rules. no more compromises. and no one stands in my way. ever.

the change i've been talking about, starts here and now. and all will know.

i've swallowed enough pride to say i'm bitter. and this pride now allows me to say i've been through it all, and i will come out victorious, in my own right. it will not affect me - i only get better. =)

the new dawn of my life will come. no matter what. and now.

Bye.

2011-10-02T15:08:00.001+08:00

When will i find the courage,
To speak up?

When will i find the faith,
To denounce the evils?

When will i find the guts,
To stand on what's right?

When will i find the strength,
To get up,
               pack up,
                            say my goodbyes,
                                                       and leave?

2011-08-29T02:15:00.001+08:00

I wish i can be once at a place;
A place i called home.

But the place is so alien now;
The place so... polluted.

My heart breaks.

=(

Addicted

2011-08-19T15:20:00.002+08:00

A new day and a new life,
A new opportunity and a new time;
A new redemption and mercy,
A new forgiveness is given to all.

It's a new start from the old,
It's a new chance from the mistakes done;
It's a gift given from on high,
But what is the point if one does not repent?

No change,
The same mistakes again and again;
A guess,
That thereafter the addiction starts.

-sigh-

When

2011-07-30T08:50:00.003+08:00

What will you do:
When nothing seems right anymore,
Where no where is home anymore,
Where all enthusiasm is lost;

What will you do:
When no place belongs to you,
Where all integrity is lost,
Where all hope seems gone.

What will you do:
When you no longer am able to go the distance,
When despair is everywhere,
When all you can do is pray.

Then the question sometimes is,
Why are you only turning now;
When everything is already futile.

Why are you only giving in,
And doing only so much, so late?

of delays and looking bad. this is not a very good start.

2011-07-27T00:42:00.005+08:00

I realize i haven't posted in a while. so yeah. time to boil over.

NYRC. (credits to the various NYRC photographers for the naize pictures)
-edit: for those who are wondering, NYRC stands for Nothern Youth Revival Camp.-

hard at work. =p

Yeah. That many came. only from the north, and all committed for one purpose - prayer for revival. prayer for change. prayer for more who care. opened my eyes quite a bit. also due to other reasons *ah-hem* =p , but mainly due to the fact i never saw so many people in one place that actually care of the things that happen around them. The cry was strong, and it is genuine. Was personally very strengthened.

It wasnt that bad things didnt happen, it's juz that i saw and heard so much encouraging things that even though it's almost two months ago, i still remember almost every session in it's fleshly detail. i remember all the important parts - parts where i desired to get out of the place, parts where i was at the point of balling my eyes out, parts where i felt pain and convictions for my thoughts and actions, parts where i felt the peace and comfort i now so rarely experience.

I also got a very clear message, of which i'm still struggling with. only a word came in, very personal words if you ask me or know me well enough - "faith." The whole thing. 5 days. searching and digging. just. faith. and the questions, perhaps start from where the answer itself.

Just a few days back i laid my finger on something related. Sure, i still believe in what is done and the creed to be and what not. It's just that after being so long in it and doing so much, it has proven futile. I've lost faith in the system. I believe the fundamentals. but not, the system.

I've seen enough of commercialization and dilution of the word. I've seen too much self-righteousness and politics. I've been through too much rejections, persecutions, and ridiculous incidents. The very place i trusted, is stuck up. And i am fed up.

The thing is, the system is also all that i've known. So now, it leaves me one thing - lost. confused. helpless. The very thing that i've relied on. My substance of life and purpose, has let me down. the belief is still there, deep down. but it's shell is shattered and it itself in a condition nearly beyond recognition.

The thing is, I've had enough of trying to escape. so many moons has past beyond that expiry date. It's no longer the fear and the hurt that is doing it. I'm addicted. I'm self-destructive. It no longer feels alright. It never has been ever since. I need to get the **** up and do something.

But what? That, i do not know. Faith?

regain faith in the very institutions that has let me down? have faith in the system again, the people that has time and again lose me and rendered me useless? have faith in the idiocy of doing the same things again and again, expecting a different result? or just... what?

with one answer comes other questions. and i am fed up of questions itself. It's not that i don't want it simple. I can't be. I've seen and known too much for my own good. And even when i want it to be simple, i am pushed to think more due to what happens around me.

And yet, i'm still the puppet. Puppet of power, politics. Puppet of the system. Victim. And no relent, thank you.

And it's not that i don't want to believe. I do. I just need a regain the reason. haih.

God, why am i kept alive again? This is torture beyond belief.

-to be continued-

Fragmented thoughts

2011-07-12T00:20:00.004+08:00

Sorry i cant update so soon, but this is just a very fragmented cover of what's what in my life right now via my thought train in real time. Warning: no particular order and potentially confusing. Read it slowly.

-------

Friends migrating. Haih.

Sick. And dad's sick. Now who's gonna be worried sick? isssssh.

Assignment assignment assignment.

Overspent. Needz. Moar Money.

Bersih.

ooo i want that data plan.

-brain farts-

What did the lecturer say again?

Transformers was awesome. Shitty story but...

Owh crap Harry Potter this wednesday midnight.

...

Work.

Oh damn yesterday's church beer fest was utterly disgusting. Almost felt like having a mass murder or something.

Stomach. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. $%$%W#$%@##~~~

I wish i can get away with...

No.

Oooo tat girl looks a lot like her.

Owh yea she hasnt updated her FB.

-brain farts again-

Why am i feeling so depressed again?

Foooooood.

That cooper looks awesome.

...

why is... -brain fart-

Facebook. Sims soundtrack.

i met her. oh. my gosh. (ps: that was almost a month ago)

phone battery... wait i just charged it.

class tomorrow. malaysian studies. fml.

court case.

company logo. website. event. gaaaaaah dad sick.

I need a break.

I'm thirsty.

Damn i forgot to check my car pressure and fluid levels again.

stomach pain stomach pain stomach pain pelvis... wait a second.

ow. -brain farts-

cant sleep.

need to read bible.

Ramadan is around the corner.

College AC is cold.

Why arent...

gosh. NYRC. MYF Sunday.

huh?

that preacher was loud. and self promoting.

Wait why does pastors need to MLM again?

mammoth. tank. must. die.

What's happening?

Aaaah. her.

-brain farts-

GAAAAAAAAAH. pain.

-------

so yeah. as you cant see. Some one needs their brain empty for once and stomach pain to be gone. I needz a vacation.

A little random post.

2011-06-04T16:16:00.003+08:00

Reminders. So important.

"have faith"

yes, Lord. =)

Will tell in detail on what's up. maybe an emo poem again. =S

Thinking too much

2011-05-24T05:19:00.006+08:00

Maybe i should. Maybe i shouldn't.

-sigh-

someone please end this misery.

(c) Image 2011. All rights reserved to owner.

The system

2011-05-21T04:41:00.003+08:00

I've faced, i've tried, i've heard, i've seen.

I've discussed, i've deliberated, i've negotiated, i've pleaded.

I've gone, I've hurt, I've lashed, and i've given up.

I've gone through the system, I've fought, I'm tried, and perhaps it is enough for me.

-or maybe only just for now.-

2011-05-15T03:07:00.001+08:00

I'm burning the bridges,
Of those not worth the while to tread;

The favour has been given,
And grace is running out of humanity.

Losing my mind

2011-05-12T02:38:00.002+08:00

Waking up in the morning
Without a reason to be up
No motivation
No reward

Smiling without a reason
Seemingly to hide
Unable to forget
Unable to put behind

Betraying the truth
Straying the light
No reason to be close
No more reason to be sane

Looks like i am just joining the horde
Looks like i am losing my mind

2011-05-11T12:02:00.001+08:00

exam is over.
woopeeweedaa.

-hyperventilates-

Birthday, Love, Life.

2011-05-04T12:44:00.004+08:00

I guess an update is necessary to my slightly puzzling behavior of the past month or so is necessary.

I have seemed to have disconnected with certain groups of people whom i was very close with before. Church, school, JS friends. And there was the incident where i actually gave people the scare by removing my birth date from Facebook till the last hour of my birthday just to see who remembered. It seems that i am seeking for attention or am just sulking around. Well there are real reasons behind it.

I have grown fed up of trying to keep in touch and be concerned with people when people simply do not return the favor. I am fed up of being the emotional fodder where people need a listening ear or my words of comfort only when necessary. And i am sick of the situation where when i need people to stand by me through my difficult times, i see friends scram for safety instead.

I know a birthday is not a critical thing. I know most people rely on Facebook birthday reminders so that they never miss a beat. But it's my cry to tell people i'm still around. As for most of this people, i seemed to have disappeared off the face of this bloody Earth. I'm just saying, I have done so much, could you not as so much just effing make an effort to remember and wish me on one of my most important birthdays? I'm 20. I am freaking 20.

The situation that happened in church and school friends wasnt completely my fault. Believe me when i still wish i could've stop what has happened and the side effects it brought. But the very same thing is i had no support during then bar a personal prayer from a couple distant sources, and i was left to fend on my own. Yet again.

It made me realize that i have chosen a lot of wrong priorities. i have wasted precious time. On people that do not give two damns about me. Or so it seems. I guess only time and realization will make certain bastards patch up their situation. Sad indeed.

And so it seems that people treat friendship very lightly nowadays. This is a very sad situation. No wonder so many people i know struggle in loneliness and depression. No wonder i'm not alone in the situation, even though in someways i am worse off.

I have also decided not to talk about a presence of a love in my life or the lack of which. Yes, there might be someone i like, and yes, it's a break through as i seemed to have finally come out more or less straight, but no, i am not interested to have a relationship now - simply as i do not have the capacity in any way. And yes, deciding not to go after someone is almost literal suicide, and yes, the person knows the situation, but no, i do not think the person is fully grasping and understanding how hard it is on my side. I do not mind that, however, and that is all i wanna say anymore for now. Whoever she is, she deserves, much, much, much better.

Yes i am a scumbag in that sense. I do not have much self esteem. And i never had much. That, i guess, is that.

And the decision whether i go back to church, and to which church, will still hang in the balance. Several new issues developed and i am not happy with it. I am, however, interested, in making a coalition that drives forward something new - radical change. That will be my new life.

Meanwhile, a new era beckons for me. it has finally started. Insomnia, come. My personal demons, come. I'm battling you straight on. Alone.

-------
I still wish certain things can stay the way they are. Why on earth are you guys just fucking forgetting me? ish. I've tried, I've tried. Yet it seems, not enough.

2011-04-20T07:06:00.001+08:00

Everyone tells me how beautiful you are
And what a lucky man I am
Although they all can see the way you look at me
They couldn’t see it like I can

Chorus:
If they could see you through my eyes
They’d know where the real beauty lies
Deep inside your hearth
Who you really are
If they could see you through my eyes

Only I have to do is gently touch your face
Baby I can tell so much
Although I’ll never see the way you look at me
I know I’m the lucky one

Chronicles of an Insomniac: part two

2011-04-18T12:56:00.007+08:00

It's come back
Unable to sleep
Random thoughts haunting
Or maybe none at all

Thinking of something
Perhaps something
It's a dilemma
It's a heartache

Still unable to sleep
Stressed over something
Stressed over something
But unable to put a source

5am and still kicking
Health deteriorating every second
Misery prolonged and returned
Perhaps help is needed

-------

(c)2011. All rights reserved to blog owner. Pictures taken from random google.com image searches.

2011-04-16T01:03:00.003+08:00

dissapointed.

2011-03-28T02:02:00.001+08:00

I. need. to. focus.

I. need. to. work. harder.

I. need. to. be. less. broke.

so....

Joanna want your birthday present? =D

Visions and Aspirations ~ part three

2011-03-24T16:46:00.011+08:00

It's been a while since I blogged, let alone touched on my 'confessions' series. There are many reasons why such a delay has occurred, despite some of you (most probably) eagerly waiting in anticipation of this series, mainly due to the fact that perhaps none has approached such topics in such a manner. I'm generally a person who is very lazy honestly, which also explains as much as I enjoy the fun in blogging, I also am very inconsistent in the number of posts. For that, I sincerely apologize for those who have been faithful in checking back for the presence (or lack of) updates. I am in the midst of trying to discipline myself, so I hope it bear fruit, for the sake of the miniscule amount of people who actually follow this blog, faithfully. Most of which, I know, are close, priceless friends. =)

Cute right? it's taken from http://blog.arulns.com/

-------

Most people wonder why my blog posts, other than it's inconsistency, has a very roller coaster ride feel to it and has lots of poems, rhymes, and riddles written all over it. Extreme emotions reign wildy here. Some have actually labelled me “emotionally unstable person” after reading my blog posts. For those who are not as familiar to me as you hope, I am actually a thoughtful but outgoing, moody person with the regular teenaged mood swings and emotional upheavals. This blog stands for actually a very simple purpose: not to get famous, but as a venting point for all my emotions, views and situations whenever it's convenient and not harmful. There. Explaination done, let's get down to business.

-------

Since the primary concern nowadays is with the situation of the church in my local area, of which a very interesting and disturbing development has even implied the local government in, and that my previous blog post was about that, I shall start with that. This, I warn, will be an extremely long post.

Unfortunately, no, I am not going to comment on the church situation's with it's Alkitab issue, this series is meant for my own personal outpouring. Sorry. Another post, another time perhaps.

After leaving the church for so long (5 months I believe, i've lost count), I've grown comfortable to stay on the outside. With comforts of not having an early morning to attend to every week, and lack of righteous or 'righteous' people, the sense of freedom was overwhelming. The lack of need to 'conform' or 'behave', to any standards whatsoever, given the liberal mind of secular society, gave me an entire dimension to expand and explore. Unfortunately, which were not necesarry good things to explore.

The lack of need of controling one's toungue and actions, the lack of taboo to items like nightlife and self discipline meant I quickly spiralled out of control in the last five months. If you read through the last few month's worth of blog posts, I drank, got fully drunk, went clubbing and bar hopping, stopped devotion, started cussing, skipped classes, spent like a wild animal and the list goes on and on. For many who found out in the period, were shocked at my state. Many wondered what on earth was happening to this “holy” guy.

And that, I guess is the main part of the problem.

Like most people, there seems to be a disconnect with who they actually are to what is shown to people on the surface. Even those who show everything they are at face value itself, shrink from the actual thing after scars and bruises (which coincidentally was borne mostly in adolescent and young adulthood) to put masks on. Double standards, cover ups, fakeness. And despite what I lashed out at people in church to be the most, even compared to “unrighteous people” outside of church, I realize, ever more so clearly as time passes, that I suffer from the same syndrom. If anything, my problems would be grave, very grave.

I realized I only participated in things and do things and act out, not to what I am or what I truly want, but to the whims and fancy of what people feel and think and do that's right. Peer and Authorial pressure drives so much of the things I, or most people do. And the funniest question here is who started the damn process as the process is self harming and bonding over time. There might be, as I fear now, a situation where I lose my identity, who I am.

This, of course doesn't just limit to bad things like drinking and cussing like I was some grumpy old sailor. Even good things like daily devotion and serving can be pressure driven. But this raises a very mind blowing question: if you do good things just cause you're pressured to conform, wouldnt that be a bad thing once all the leashes are released off you? That made me wonder and reflect.

Was I ever a good person cause I was 'required' to be? Did I learn this subjects just because everyone takes it? Do I do the daily devout motions just cause I feel the need to, not cause of outpouring of awe and love for the Almighty God? Am I a christian just cause most of my friends do? Is is what I do with my life? What are the lifetime goals then?

Honestly speaking, if I had not noticed this from the recent spat of disastrous events, I would've wasted my whole life. This is what is the blessing in disguise.

The door for me to rejoin church back in the capacities I was in, probably except power positions in youth, is wide open. However, that is why I hesistate to reinstate myself despite the heart warming, eye-balling open invitation for me. I realize I need to make sure I know where i'm going and I do what I preach. I need to make sure I know of who I am and that I act out what I really am.

That, is surprisingly the biggest challenge of them all. Especially since, I know thus far, me for real, isn't a very pretty sight.

Taken from http://peanuts.com/

I am about to turn 20. A believe many take that I also agree to is that your teenaged years are the years where you set a path for where you head to till the end of your life. Visions, value systems, aspirations, identity, etc. Given that i'm on my way out of teenhood, I need to make sure all this is set by the time the world start slamming brick loads of challenges and setbacks in my life – for which in the last 5 years or so, has been piling on in a steady increasing intensity.

And that, I guess is my biggest dilemma. I know of a lot of things. I am in touch, given the modern advancements of technology, with a lot of people. I am capable of doing many things – many of which are solved over the unfair challenges and handicaps I got – well. However, there is one problem:

I do not know of what on earth I should dedicate my life to.

I have many aspirations and plans. I have values. I have dreams, fantasies, hopes, fears, advantages and set backs. The problem is as always, the issue of whether one regrets once his life is over. Everthing done should have a valid reason – a reason that you will not regret. That is what I fear, will prevent me from even trying out in life – and regretting.

And I have absolutely no intentions of regretting my whole life.

-------

But why on earth do i keep remembering the past? sigh.

wheee

2011-03-23T14:42:00.000+08:00

2011-03-21T20:24:00.002+08:00

Give me a reason.
A reason to believe
A reason to hold on
A reason to care

Give me a cause
A cause worth it's while
A cause that doesn't dissapoint
A cause unthreaded by humankind

The past still haunts
Can i put it behind and start again?

A better day

2011-02-12T02:35:00.004+08:00

I've seen of places,
Where people are locked in and blocked out;
Where people cry out for freedom,
But hope is just a dream.

I've experienced times,
Where people smile despite the hurt;
Where bitterness and discrimination rules their minds,
And justice is just a fable.

I've heard of times,
Where people fighting for the common good loses hope;
Disillusion sets in and despairs,
And they decide to join in the crowd.

I've witnessed of situations,
Where these people collide;
Senselessed to, now senseless towards,
Dreams crumble and insitutions forgotten.

And i often wonder,
When will the madness end;
When will people finally have enough,
Stop,

And build a better day.

-Timothy

This blog post is copyrighted to the owner and shall not be reproduced unless under prior permission by the owner. All images taken from random google searches from photo sharing sites like Flikr(tm), is meant as a fair usage-private use only and no copyright infridgement intended. The blog post has no similiarities to any previously produced work that is produced with intention and is of mere concidence. (c)2010 Tomato Productions(tm). All rights reserved.

2011-02-07T21:59:00.003+08:00

I've found a place
caught in open arms
where loves embrace
mends a broken heart
here i will stay
all my days

I've found a place
caught in open arms
where loves embrace
mends a broken heart
here i will stay
all my days

Drawing Closer

2011-02-04T19:20:00.001+08:00

updates coming up.

A prayer.

2011-01-21T10:46:00.004+08:00

You dance over me, while i am unaware;
You sing all around, but i never hear the sound...

My heart is such in a turmoil...

So much is going on, Lord. I'm weak, and I need reassurance...

And i could STILL sing of Your love forever...

=D

WORLD NEWS IN PICTURES!!!!!

2011-01-14T10:39:00.007+08:00

erm, my house is not small, it's SPACE EFFICIENT... =D

Can we go back to sleep now? it's so early...

"want some bubbles?"

the above images are cool stuff i spotted from mangle.ca . it's a cool random picture generator. Check it out!

2011-01-10T11:25:00.001+08:00

havent i done enough?

Torture.

2011-01-09T20:59:00.005+08:00

how do you feel when you are doing the very things that your whole being cries "NOOOOO!" at?

haiz.

maybe it's just so much easier to screw it and numb it.

Passion ~ part 2

2010-11-19T18:37:00.005+08:00

so i found this (http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10150099863798313&comments&ref=mf) video about some youths preaching video in between my exams. got my attention, but inspired me to rant a lil. Thou art warned.

anyways, back to what i wanted to talk about in my multipart post.

--------

When i got the order to volunteerily give up my power positions in church and leave the community for the time being. It was unfair, but i got extra time to discover my own.

I've been having nightmares, lonely nights, mad, depressing moments. I refused help, cause i knew something was there for me to discover myself. I got through the pain. And it still hurts, and it still grinds inside, killing me slowly. But i found something. Something all should have discovered a long time ago.

I found a lot of people to be fake. Masks, hypocritical. I found them to surround me in such a way i staggers me. When i neeeded realism, and help. I found many wannabe fake preachers of the Word. I found only condemnation to hide guilt and persecution and red tape to prevent grace they did not find, forgetting all it needs is a couple united people to start a genuine revival. And leaders fuel the damage.

I am dissapointed. Hurt. And angered. Cause all this while i was a victim, a slave to the fancies of people. I found realism more among non-believers than anything. I lost touch on why a church exists. Cause as far as i am concerned, i know not of any true church that exists at the moment.

And all that after slaving for nothing, no one. When you tell the truth, people shut down and shut you out. Cause all are content to stay in a quiet, self righteous world.

So much so i decided to leave church till i find a good reason to rejoin one. I will not serve till i find a good reason to serve, too.

The more i read the Bible, the more i am angered when i see an example of a true Christmunity. I do not see of any around. And there's only so much i can do. I tried to move strings to pull out the existance of such a place. I only got scars. I got kicked out of the common and the sense.

The more i see all that happens, the more i am convinced that as much as my Almighty is real, the more our people do not allow Him to work in our current world.

It's a disillusional thing. Like that video. It's there, only to annoy people and provoke guilty emotions. We have became physcological experts. Spiritual shamans. And Christ is no part of the picture. We do not reflect Christ one single bit.

And i'm talking with me in person included. And that, is a worrying prospect.

Perhaps it is time we stop pointing fingers at people and look at the four that's still pointed at ourselves, and get on our knees to save ourselves, to be real. A passion and givest it's birth. Consumes. That is my change.

-end of part two-

-------

I did not mean to attack any believers or non-believers. It's a call to do a self examination among all. Cause i definitely need one and am doing that. People though, never understand and just like to be...

Which is why i write my crappy, emo poems. They all have a message.

Perhaps? part one

2010-11-12T15:00:00.007+08:00

This post will be out of the ordinary.

Of late, people has noticed I changed. Lacking outward zeal towards certain issues and terms once close to my heart. Doing things once thought impossible. Different in the way i carry myself. Having differing views and perhaps vocabulary.

After what I've gone through this year. I'm not surprised. This year so far (and we are nearing the end) has been like in last two years, a roller coaster ride. But even more so.

Sometimes it's tough to stay with a positive outlook to life. But i shall digress. It's how you treat it.

Sure, i've been sexually abused (what's the big deal with confessing that? I'm still normal, just hurt.) I've been betrayed by teachers, friends, pastors, mentors and elders. I've almost died a couple times even. With and without my own choice.

It's been stupid. And it's so easy to get bitter. But i shall not. What has happened, has happened. I have and shall cry, pick up the pieces, learn and move on. Lingering and sulking about that wont bring justice and it wont bring you a better day. That's for useless sissies to do. And some outwardly sissy guys are better off then any one of this macho suckers.

Oops I'm running out of context here. BACK.

Of all the things that have changed, i'm still more or less the same person everyone knew. I still like to help people out, I still find pain watching people suffer, I still find compassion in people who didn't get it so easy in life, in any way. I feel for them, if anything, the passion has grown stronger. I'm just not as outward or, perhaps, stupid.

BUT.

I've had time to reflect. I've paused, watched, deliberated, and listened. Even despite the craziness, i did that. And i had a conclusion to many things that started appearing with question marks over the year or two.

Unfortunately, it's with regret I say that these conclusions will disappoint many, and it's not gonna matter whether you disagree or not. It's not an opinion affected matter, it's a decision i have decided, and probably wont be turning back for at least sometime.

In short, welcome to the new Timothy Ignatius Lewis.

-end of part one-

-------

yes, this would be a multi-part post. i realize it's gonna take forever to do all, AND, i got a lot to say. Finals coming next week. Study first.

2010-11-12T01:57:00.003+08:00

blog under reno.

exciting post coming up (supposed due ytd, but yeah. decided to write it PROPERLY).

Picture Play

2010-10-28T14:30:00.003+08:00

Time.

Confusion.

Pressure.

Depression.

Corruption.

Pain.

Tears.

Emo.

Look out the window.

Sunrise.

Realize.

Smile... =)

2010-10-20T12:01:00.001+08:00

Going back one last time.

Will it be good?

-Farewells should be short, sweet, and you never, ever, come back.-

Torn.

2010-10-14T16:16:00.004+08:00

I deleted my old photos.

But still.

My heart is torn.

Choices which is wrong either way.

I feel hurt either way.

Someone please,

Relieve me of my torment.

-Maybe i had enough of torment. But somehow my heart still is beating, bleeding......-

Realizations

2010-10-11T14:27:00.008+08:00

I realized many a thing of late,

Things forgotten,
Things i should already known;
Of perhaps,
Somethings of my destiny.

Maybe it's so ambigous,

But it was supposed to be what i was doing all along?
Confusion is never a pleasant feeling;
But i was,
Making it all complicated?

Perhaps it's been there all the while,

And i refused to accept it.
Or is it,
Life playing a fool with me?
Or one taking chances to try to simplify things?

So maybe,
There's a sunny side up to life,

And all you gotta do,
Is call it one.

-yet the torment doesnt seem to go. why?-

Rights.

2010-10-06T13:20:00.005+08:00

Sometimes i wonder...

When we fight for rights...
Whether we are fighting to right the wrongs,
Or just wrong what been wronged.

Read a news paper article on teenage pregnancy,

Says stop blaming the teen for being pregnant, but:
Who do we blame now?
Who does the stigma land on?

In relationships, guys get blamed.

When does the blame game end?
When do we start protecting ourselves from the greater evil?
When can we just stop it all and unite for the greater good?

Or maybe,

The situation is just gonna stay,

For the right of all to stay status quo.

-and i somehow dont care no more, cause my time is up.-

Chronicles of an Insomniac

2010-09-27T23:48:00.003+08:00

Waking up night after night
Restless infections
Thinking of many things
Brain is in a whirl

Flip left and right
Unable to focus
Brain's in a mess
Cant remember a damn thing

Time out of sync
Fainting probable
World's crashing for no other reason

Haunted look
Unable to focus
Will somebody please
End this misery

-maybe cause i'm thinking of you.-

Alone

2010-09-23T00:19:00.000+08:00

Black dots in a white paper,
Signifying a little change;
Drawing attention,
Perhaps unnecessarily.

Black spots in my memory,
Signifying unremembered traumas;
Drawing weakness,
Perhaps cause unable to take extent of damage.

Black moments in a white lie,
Signifying moments in times where mask is opened out;
The drawn person,
Perhaps best left unseen.

You can be surrounded by people and yet feel so lonely,
Encourage and change the world yet pull oneself into obivilion;
Made the difference and stand in the gap, yet;
Ownself a hypocrite, killing self, softly.

And yet black, signify, and perhaps;
it wont be nice to face the storm, alone.

2010-09-19T23:18:00.000+08:00

sometimes life needs moments where u dun give to F***s abt anything. agree?

2010-09-12T11:41:00.000+08:00

i'm bored.

I'm tired.

I need more sleep.

I feel lazy.

-I'm burnt out.-

Mhua shopping list!!!!

2010-09-02T21:54:00.003+08:00

Me want.... (in order of aquisition urgency)

1. A new handphone. (prefers SE, 5++MP cam dat is very good, good media player, large storage capabilities, other den typical phone stuff. no touch screens. eyeing SE W995/C905.)

2. A new set of multimedia speakers for said handphone to playback my songs in me room... Decent bass, balanced sound, no harshness, excellent definition wanted. NOT willing to pay alot. max RM300.

3. A nice cover, silicon prefered for phone. Hopes it comes free with said phone.

4. A huge song collection to go in phone. in 128kbps mp3 format. (well this might not be bought... =p)

5. Awesome phone themes.

6. A screen protector for said phone.

7. Certain low intensity softwares for a com slotted for upgrade + format.

8. A couple new shorts, pants, undies, and maybe a shirt or two.

9. Purity bracelet. time to get serious about me pledge.

10. A pair of new shoes. Old one's starting to threathen of crumbling.

11. Mayb a set of handsfree +/ battery for old phones.

12. A cool string deco to go with said new phone.

As you can see, i need/want/demand/think of/wish/fantasize/require/obsess a new phone, badly. Sponsors?

Merdeka... really ah?

2010-08-31T21:53:00.012+08:00

See pictures above.

Such beauty.
Such diversity.
Such wonder.
Such purity.

This was what our country's warrior's of all tribe and tongue prayed and fought for with their blood and sweat. They toiled. They produced results. They made what makes our nation something worth to be proud of.

But now?

What do we have to be proud of, anymore?

Merdeka, worth celebrating?

I think not.

Time to start praying, people.

Happy 53rd, Malaysia.

-------

-or else worse is yet to come.-

Nightmare.

2010-08-01T23:14:00.004+08:00

Love, Hatred;
Joy, Sorrow;
Laughter, Tears;
Anger, Bitterness.

For what?
For i am deviod of much feeling;
The knowledge of burdens of guilt,
The burden of peoples thrown unto you.

Sleepless nights,
filled with nothing but tossing and turning;
A non-ending nightmare,
depression has just shown it's ugly head, again.

Tears unable to flow,
every thought incomprehensible;
It's just a dark room,
And you so wish you can exit.

But despite the calls of help and searching,
You have no luck on your side.

2010-08-01T16:43:00.000+08:00

2010-07-28T21:47:00.000+08:00

i wonder

maybe it should be

maybe it should not.

2010-07-26T22:09:00.000+08:00

deleted a post.

start afresh.

College.

2010-07-16T08:47:00.002+08:00

College starts today.

It's small.

It's tough.

It's exciting.

I'm nervous.

And it's new for me.

It's been a long time coming, but it finally came.

It's about time.

It is time.

Hope i fit in.

2010-07-15T22:31:00.002+08:00

What am i doing?

2010-07-07T15:49:00.005+08:00

Tech blog up!!!!

All my techy/work related stuff will be moved there. This would be personal from hence forth.

http://gearheadmania.blogspot.com/

2010-07-05T11:46:00.005+08:00

I am not fine.

2010-07-02T10:16:00.004+08:00

Coz i feel nothing.

With a dose of pain here and there.

And,

It just can't seem to get better.

Yet,

There's no point in crying about it.

Even though i'm juz nothing but a ruin,

Left.

2010-06-27T01:51:00.001+08:00

...

Sick.

2010-06-21T23:54:00.000+08:00

Depression again.

2010-06-19T11:44:00.004+08:00

"Son, do you know i still love you?"

Really?

Tell me then:

The pain and the sorrow,
The repetition of that times;
The unstopping condemnation,
And the fact of no one to trust.

Beaten, forced, hurt and then taken advantaged of,
Everywhere, everywhere, everywhere;
No more acceptance, no more,
No more dignity.

No place to show a face,
No confidence to show the world;
No more purity, no more,
No more hope.

I miss thee presence,
I miss the time when i was more innocent;
I miss the time when i didn't struggle,
I miss the time when i was free

But here i am,
Asking what did i ever do to deserve this,
Asking what would ever make me forget,
This pain.

-i'm bleeding. Bleeding my love out.-

-------
end of post.

Crash.

2010-06-11T09:00:00.002+08:00

What did i do to deserve this again?

Sigh.

-emo-

2010-06-08T15:27:00.000+08:00

Good question...

...

Nothing.

Lotsa stuff to do!

2010-06-01T21:56:00.003+08:00

stressed...

Mood swings, happy sad angry emo happy bored emo.

Church camp.

JS Reu.

Work busy season.

Impending college registration and entry.

...

Let's go.

2010-05-26T00:19:00.003+08:00

I'm lost. Confused. And sick of myself.

Perhaps somethings are really meant to suck.

2010-05-23T17:27:00.001+08:00

Has this blog died?

Déjà vu

2010-05-21T20:42:00.003+08:00

What you sow, you reap
What you do, will return
What you've experienced, you see it happen, again.

I realized,
Everything comes and goes for a reason;
I discover,
Things come back for divine reasons perhaps.

Not that i like it anyway,
Not that i want to face it again;
But what should i do,
When i see it returns, perhaps so i can assist for the better?

Some call it karma,
Some call it coincidence;
Some refuse to accept,
Some take it in, even when they need not to.

Having said all that,
It is always the case of Déjà vu.

-sigh-

2010-05-16T16:06:00.000+08:00

MYF sunday is over. Moving on~

Hurt

2010-05-10T22:29:00.001+08:00

Softy tenderly, killing me.

2010-05-05T22:58:00.003+08:00

i realize...

We need to buck up for a revival or disaster will come.

Time to get on our knees and desperate.

Five years. Is short.

Choose the right one. Or else we'll get it worst.

XD

2010-04-25T00:37:00.002+08:00

google.com...

typing... and i'm feeling lucky.

boom.

Another crap post.

2010-04-22T21:49:00.009+08:00

First and for most, i'm stuffed with work so i'm gonna rush but here goes.

We humans are unique beings. Special. Like no other. Whatever you call it.

Last night, when i was talking to a dear friend, what i've been thinking about this past few months in the spaces of nothingness to do, all came out. And finally became into being. Thanks WEE!

People call humans competitive. People call us just mere mortals. But i think we have something different, another dimension to us that we always, well, normally neglect to appreciate, or even use.

Our creativity.

When God said, "Let us make man in our image", He did impart quite a few similiarities in us. One, being our spiritual self. Animals doesn't have a spirit. Perhaps there are more, but i'll just focus on one big one - our creativity.

God is a creator God. Example, He is self sufficient, all powerful, all knowing. He is love. Simply put, he did not need to create a world and us.

But He did. Why?

It's His character. He's creative, not for the sake of survival (I will explain this in a bit), but simply because He is.

It's a fundamental many of us especially so-called Christians forgot to discern. Genesis 1-2 tells it all on this character.

And since He made us in His image, we are creative creatures. Creative, simply because we are.

You might disagree, but let me explain.

Both us and animals can adapt to surroundings well. And in that sense, we are similar. Sometimes, like animals, we need to create something to succeed the challenge we have in the world, simply to survive. That is true, and there is no doubt about it. Beavers show that character on building dams to live in, for example.

But we are the only ones who find pleasure in creating, simply because we created something. That is a God-like character - "God saw all that He had made, and it was very good..." Gen 1.31, NIV. - so there we are. Animals won't have it. They are quite simply run by instinct, and will find pleasure in only the senses they see. That is why we have ART.

And in this creativeness, is where many of our strength lies. We can dominate because we are creative enough. In a way, even though our brains might not be the ones with the highest potential compared to some other living creatures, apparently, we are inevitably, the smartest.

Not because we can remember the most. It's because we have the natural edge over the others. Even in our early days - Genesis 3.19, NIV: "...He (God) brought them (the animals) to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever..." -, it shows. But creativity is where it's dangerous. It's also our weak point.

Unlike God, we can get carried away with creativity. Especially with the subject on perception. We can be creative and perceive so much and get carried away, that, alas, we forgot the truth. Genesis 3 outlines the scale of the problem. In verses 1-6 Eve, despite knowing that she is not to eat of the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden, and knowing she is already like a god, she perceived it as good "...for food and pleasing to the eye, and desirable for gaining wisdom..." (verse 6). I now fully believe that it is not that we are ignorant. We choose to be ignorant to the facts that we already know.

And that was the fall of mankind.

Let us progress a generation down the line to proof my point. This is turning out to be a long post. Genesis 4.3-5

Cain. He knew that God is so holy that He only deserved the best, if not his twin brother Abel would not have given "fat portions of the first-born of his flock", in contrast to "some of the fruits of the soil". Quite simply, he was asking for trouble because he ignored the fact from abusing his creativity in a bout of perhaps pride of being eldest.

Fast forward, and we see how we have progressed.

From our creativity, we have created massive ingenious stuff. Technology, science, art, all reaching to such a high level. At the same time, we are faced with such a large variety. Religion, property, whatever. Competition has seeped in to such a high levels some of us are actually willing to go creative by the crook and hook way to gain our means. Moral values, by creativity, has eroded to such a pathetic levels. And we have misused our creativity to such a level that we have damaged mother nature in such a discriminatory way.

In our creativity over the generations, we have lost the truth. Hordes of people lives unknowing who is God, and what happened. Our ancestors did not choose to pass down the correct words. And herein lies the problem with many religion. We do not know the absolute truth, and we so we try the natural way - to be creative. And problem two with creativity, as since we find pleasure in creating, is pride.

Many religions cannot go together simply because it is in our nature to be proud of our ideas. And the sad fact will lie here. If truth reveals itself, which i believe will, even beyond doubt, we human being most probably will not accept it based on this natures. The signs are here, especially more with the ultra religious we sometimes call some of them, extremist comes into view. (It include quite a few atheists as they can be the most religious people on earth - an article on itself)

And people, think. That might be the biggest tragedy waiting to happen.

-post ends-

2010-04-19T16:44:00.001+08:00

DEKAT PADA-MU ITU RINDUKU
SETIAP KATAKU KAU PUN MENUNGGU
TAK KUSANGKA KUTEMUKAN
SATU KASIH YANG ABADI
KINI KU DATANG DAN KUBAWA HIDUPKU

REFF:
MEMANDANG WAJAH-MU
MENGIKUTI KEBAIKAN-MU
MENGEJAR HADIR-MU
DALAM HIDUPKU

MEMBAWA SEMBAHKU
MENYATAKAN KEBESARAN-MU
MENGEJAR HADIR-MU
DALAM HIDUPKU

Like this song... =)

Part two: Reminisence and guilt.

2010-04-10T21:10:00.003+08:00

This is a series of blog postings to get rid of my rusty blogging muscles and also as a run up to... hehehe.

For those who havent read part one, it's below.

-------

So here we are with part two. hopefully it wont be as crap as part one. It might be, er... very emotional. It deals with my past year.

...

Last year has been another one of those ones with a lot of ups and downs.

From a year that ended in UTTER disaster. To one of my best years in my short short life, complete with terrible bummers.

From a year that left me as good as dead. To a year where i found more than just redemption.

From being used, to discovery of things i never realized before.

I lost my dignity. I found a hope. I lost my fire. I found strength. I lost trust. I found redemptive grace. I lost confidence. I found true friends. I lost it all. BUT! I found God... =)

Somehow i just cant stop saying this, but God was just sosososososososososososo awesome throughout the past year. He is faithful. He never, EVER, let's us go.

Which is why he paid so much up there.

I can only imagine What it will be like When I walk By your side I can only imagine What my eyes will see When your face Is before me I can only imagine Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel Will I dance for you Jesus, or in honour of you be still Will I stand in your presence, or to my knees will I fall Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all I can only imagine

Decisions~ Part one.

2010-04-08T16:50:00.003+08:00

Am deciding whether to drag my techy stuff frm dis blog to another one. Hmm...

Damn. so many things to think about.

I've been thinking a lot recently. Really a lot.

And i'm not done thinking, yet.

But anyways, Here is the result of some of them.

(looks at other blogs for inspiration before continuing)

I am still stuck regarding my studies. And generally too lazy to study seriously already. Honestly, this is what work does to you. OH, and too worried as well. hmm...

(damn, the other blogs din help)

-silence for 30 mins-

Damn, i hate struggling. I hate making decisions. argh.

-silence for another 30 mins-

Damn i'm such a bad blogger.

-silence momentary-

Precisely my point. I am so indecisive. I keep wandering around and am not firm enough in my decisions till i crap up something last minute. Haiz...

ANYways, enough with the emo-ness. Mom's mopping the floor. LOL.

Perhaps i shall find a refuge place one day that will give me a pointed rest.

Part two coming up.

Grace.

2010-03-31T22:26:00.002+08:00

In the midst of all my uncertainties,
Where all i had was shattered dreams;
Where all await me was a probable despair,
I've found a hope.

In the midst of all my insecurities,
Where all i had was myself to blame;
Where all i anticipated was but the ridicule of people,
I found a peace.

In the midst of all the bitterness,
Where all i see is anger and hatred;
Where all i get is more hurts and sorrow,
I found a love.

In the midst of all the despair and hopelessness,
Where all things seem in vain;
Where all the world seems to be upside down,
I found a faith.

Where all this comes into place,
I realize,
I found G R A C E.

(Adapted from 1 Corinthians 13.13)

Insecurities - A Monolouge

2010-03-24T23:05:00.004+08:00

Crap. I've failed. Again. And Again. And again. And now again.

Damn it.

Senses Nulled,
Conscious Ignored;
Leaving,
A greater step towards doom.

Have i done enough to put me in place? Have i done enough of what He says? Have i ignored, just a little too much?

Wretched. Wretched. Wretched. Wretched. Wretched. Wretched. Wretched.

For i desired too much for what i shouldn't. And i did more of what i need not.

I'm insecure. I'm lost. Perhaps soon forever.

You stupid adulterine, cheating, double-crossing, faithless, false-hearted, fickle, foresworn, inconstant, incontinent, moonlighting, not true to, of bad faith, perfidious, philandering, recreant, shifty, snaky, sneaking, traitorous, treasonable, two-faced, two-timing, unchaste, unreliable, untrustworthy, wicked imbecile! Ungrateful brat.

But i must forgive myself. Haih. But will some people do? Or am i forever a condemned being?

Then it seems to be unworth of me entering heaven, is it? At the back of curses and swearing?

Haiz. I must not cut myself. I must not.

But i am already psychologically. And near defeat. And people shall keep using me till i collapse under the burden of my own making.

Abba. abba?

-------

Must. Listen. To. From. The. Inside. Out.

2010-03-19T11:50:00.000+08:00

I am blessed. =)

2010-03-11T12:30:00.000+08:00

Spamming.

Enjoy your results, people.

2010-03-08T17:26:00.000+08:00

Enjoyed d heck in d reu... =D

Wad a long week it was...

Trashing meself

2010-03-04T00:56:00.003+08:00

Ok, i'm here staring blankly as i type each painful letter to the com wondering how the heck am i gonna do this sunday's MYF program without crossing red lines. I got myself into tricky shit, this, and i only have me to blame. MYFers reading this, you were warned. But it might be epic. XD

Anyways,

After a whole aimless time of searching, i guess that another thing that should put the blame on myself is of my studies. As you all know, i've been bumming around for too long and too anxiously about it. Despite reminders that i need to get my bum somewhere, or relaxing in the grace of God's knowledge and plan, i never listened. Either way. Reason is probably because i knew i had other things that is hindering me. Correct that, one thing. Me.

After being trashed in the months coming up and tru SPM + SPM results, which you all know that i got MUCH worse than initially targetted, i lost all confidence in myself. Not that i had a lot of it, or that that issue destroyed it. It was like the end of my rope (except that somewhat rescue-ing from certain people that mean A HECK lot in my life now... XD), and that was the setting of the precedent.

Condemning myself, i started seeing a lot of course as too big a task, too brilliant, too challenging, or just too expensive that i am worth of. Choices flew out of the window. I just forced myself to ignore the fact that i don't have an extra life to play my future with, and did i play. One year, GONE.

Being stupid, i kept at insisting on doing some 'right things' that i shouldn't study yet because i need to get working experience, family needs me to work, make statement, etc etc etc. Knowing full well, i was being stupid, i proceeded to bring my disappointments and depression to the next level of self mutilation. Future killing.

And blaming others won't help, surely. And i guess it is time to face that since that, i have been trashing myself. Now almost everything due to me and not, is in pieces when the simple fact is that i should have taken care of myself and not bother about the others. Instead, i chose to destroy myself.

And i guess i managed to to quite a large extent, now with options and time running out, i have no where to run. I have to face the truth. I have to face the face that people tried to destroy me, but i must help myself as some others are trying to save me.

I have been trashing myself. But maybe it is the time to be selfish-ly responsible of myself? But it just might be just that little too little little too late. Sigh.

I am depressed. Trash coming up.

2010-03-03T00:31:00.001+08:00

What do i do to those dat will not help demself but u are being hurt wen dey dun?

What do i do to those who are just so unrightfully authoritative over you?

What do i do?

Playing with fire?

2010-02-28T23:39:00.004+08:00

Coming in a daily life,
Wrecking the place of time;
Something's lingered,
And sums up the wreck.

Exchanging one for another,
Temperament switching course and intensity;
Ever increasing the guilt,
Eden has seen it play.

In a moment of perhaps bliss,
I am lost in the embrace of unknown deeds;
Spiraling around in circles,
Perhaps something to avoid?

The fire dances and the fire entices,
Inviting the soul to a certain fate;
Perhaps out of this world,
It is just but a promise.

I am someone, enticed.
Someday, I might.

But i am afraid it is just playing with fire, all over again.

-------
Edit: i know it sounds emo. Take a good look into the meaning of the words. I believe it is my best work, yet.

2010-02-23T16:16:00.000+08:00

So all hell shall break loose in less then 24 hours. Without warning bar this.

Moving on?

2010-02-22T10:34:00.004+08:00

Finally, a proper update.

As you've probably deciphered, i haven't had things easy for the past few weeks/months. Had stuff, which i shall duly explain in a short moment. This post might hurt/offend/destroy. Read at your own discretion. Especially those SPECIFICALLY told to read it.

I've had a lot in this short, nearly 19 years (yes i am that old) of my life. And the past 3-4 years has been particularly tough. Disappointments. Betrayal. Abuse. Hurts. Yet, all things in life, somehow ends up balanced. I also have had the most growing, experience and fun things i can thank God for in this past period of time.

I gleefully hope i can go to the next phase in life where i can hopefully find a more restful time, but alas, this is not to be, at least yet. I am a person with life full of action. My life is never stagnant. I have to keep moving.

And this post is part of moving on.

Perhaps not with situations though.

First.

I did not ever choose to struggle or to remain in my problems. (though some i do linger in a while due to confusion) The fact is some of these problems never seem to ever ever end. They range a whole lot, from simple attitude problems like lack of QT and rest, to somethings big which is never, ever on my fault. Sexual problems (how on earth is that a fault of mine??!!), emotional distress, letdowns and the lot.

And at this point i refuse to let any of this drag me down. But i cannot, and i will not, run away from the fact that that problem is there. When i say i have issues, i mean it, and i appreciate either help, understanding or just plain f***ing off.

Besides most things that let me down is people anyways.

From all my experiences, i hold very simple, but strict values. Black is black and white is white when it can be. Promises are to be kept. Responsibility is a important virtue. What is said and done should just be left at what is said and done. Plain and simple. No messing. No compromise.

And it pisses me off for people who hypocritically miss those values when they darn well know it's not something they should mess with with all the training, drilling, expectations and experiences they've been through.

People are not perfect. I know it perfectly well. Because, i am similarly human. Some people, however think otherwise. They think the only humans that should help humans are they themselves super humans when the fact is they are only super hypocrite humans.

I never meant to interfere wrongly in affairs. I however did more then what it is strictly necessary of me because i do not agree to just let things be. I stood on by. I offered help. I did not ask for power or rewards. I emphasized that the person in power EXERCISE properly their rights to power instead of letting someone abuse it in their place. I am pissed with ungrateful people when my only wanted sign of gratefulness is to help their bloody own self survive.

I have did wrong. I agree i did. But don't ever accuse me of doing wrong when you do not even know the proper details. And i am only volunteering to help.

And all this despite being the biggest f***ed up person in that single scandal that permanently WRECKED my life.

I did things because i thought of the benefit of all. I never desired to take credit. Sure, affirmation is nice, but i do not care whether you give it or not. I only wanted the best for the people that i care.

But i guess some people do not deserve caring at all.

Also.

I have had enough with the oh-so righteous. The judge-mental. The suckers who never keep to promises. I trusted you with discreet information. I literally trusted you with my life. I made myself vulnerable too you, and i mean you. I needed help, not shit. You promised. You remembered the information. You took it and destroyed, me.

As if being screwed by that honorary Ah Pang is not enough.

You choose to punish by not holding on to something you promise. Running away by committing elsewhere. Or else, you judged. You condemned. As if struggling with sexual attractions to the wrong sex is my choice. As if being screwed is my choice. As if i want to live with homosexuality issues when the fact that I"M STILL STRUGGLING is proof enough that i do not want to remain, and i have not yet given up.

Isn't almost choosing to die proof enough of my situation?

Isn't trying to find help but getting screwed in the end enough?

And do not think i am not speaking about YOU.

These people has been a total disappointment. Ungrateful. Untrustworthy. And these people do not deserve my friendship. You have wrecked my life enough. F*** YOU AND GET LOST.

-------

And yet there are people whom i cannot stop appreciating. Despite their shortcomings, despite their distance, despite not really getting it, they stood by. They supported. They gave me life. They made me smile for real, AGAIN.

Random life...

2010-02-10T20:57:00.000+08:00

2010-02-07T23:13:00.001+08:00

letting go. Haiz.

But i feel so much better.

2010-02-01T15:06:00.000+08:00

Haiz. No updates for the moment.

the emo-ness.

2010-01-23T21:35:00.000+08:00

why do i keep messing things up??

Why do i keep messing myself up?

why do i have to?

2010-01-22T21:44:00.000+08:00

Am stuck whether this look will go.

Comment.

I'm lost, in and out, out and in,
In the world of nothingness.
Sensations dumbed,
hearing lost.

I hope i find myself in the midst of this storm.

Extremeness.

2010-01-19T13:16:00.000+08:00

I'm frustrated beyond compare.

Do not touch. I explode.

...

I feel useless.

2010-01-16T00:19:00.001+08:00

i will still spam every once in a while to ensure the blog is not totally dead, although it seems brain dead.

besides, renovating is juz an excuse for forced writer's block.

i'm lost. i'm confused. i've regretted. i'm searching. i'm hurt. i'm tearing up, i'm dark. i'm asking why.

2010-01-08T10:31:00.001+08:00

renovating bloggie... new look coming up soon.

What the???!!!

2009-12-31T15:47:00.000+08:00

It's the new year.

So?

2009-12-25T01:45:00.001+08:00

It's CHRISTMAS.

...

...

...

...

...

huh?

-------
Another gear review coming up. Should be fun.

post YLDP blues...

2009-12-20T20:00:00.002+08:00

Sorry for the blog/msn hiatus right after YLDP... Got no reason to be offline.

Like how i'm stuffed up with work and i'm online right now. hahaha.

anyways...

-------

YLDP... What to say about it? everything was so... good. Was ministered, was fellowshipped, made a few new friends, and met a few old ones... Level 3 is their best level, too...

Mother of all YLDPs, for me at least.

Anything else is too freaking personal to share.

Wait.

I worship lead there. Once. Lost me voice in the process. Don't ask how or why. haha.

...

What the heck am i musing?

I'm emo, that's why.

Happy 100th post, blog.

Located in nowhere

2009-12-07T09:05:00.002+08:00

Emo again... so, sorry.

-------

Neither here nor there,
Here and there forth withstanding,
Gone and here, haunting again,
Beings unknown residing inside.

Trust uncertain,
lost and lost again here,
Trespassed, and trespassed upon,
sick and unyielding.

Help needed, perhaps,
Given, blessings of an uncertain source.
Stretched, torn and weeping, rested.
But the pain just doesn't seem to go away.

-------
Anyways,

YLDP coming up!!!!

2009-11-26T14:33:00.001+08:00

Trouble.

.

2009-11-19T21:40:00.003+08:00

Sorry for the lack of updates... Busy. But if i had updated, it'll be the same painful emo session thingy again. Not good. Yes, i'm on an extended low now... Don't ask unless you already know.

People come and people go.
Events come and they go.
Friends come and they leave.
But this one thing i didn't want to stay, remain.

Pain in every corner,
Tears in every seam,
Scream echoes down the hall;
And it won't go away.

Arrgh.

-------

Look carefully.Legal of illegal? Might get killed for posting this.

2009-11-06T16:36:00.001+08:00

open, close.

Leaving something behind

2009-10-22T12:12:00.002+08:00

Of late, i've become a very frustrated man.
Easily angered, irritable, mood dependant, the like.
Things started clamping down on me.
Depressed, all over again.

Many sleepless nights,
I lost a sense of direction.
I wondered what will i do with my life?
Of two years, one has passed, passed to do something big.

I woke up this morning,
wondering where i'm going.
What will i leave behind?
What is my legacy?

And somehow this just leads away to despair...
Is this the end of me?

2009-10-19T14:32:00.000+08:00

bugger.

Getting to know each other

2009-10-16T10:36:00.002+08:00

From facebook. Coz i was 'kepo'... Thanks Jun arn...

If you've been tagged or you are reading this, you have the honor of copying all these goofy questions, writing your own response, and tagging 25 other victims. You have to TAG ME so really you just need 24 more people. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your title as "Getting to know each other!", tag 25 people including me (tagging is done in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
6.15am. Don't ask.

2. How do you like your steak?
Fully cooked. Amen.

3. What was the last film you watched at the cinema?
Gamer. First above 18 movie legally man! (of course, watch others illegally before... hehehe)

4. What is your current favorite TV show?
Top Gear. Online.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Malaysia. If not heaven... :-)

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Milo

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Malaysian.

8. What foods do you dislike?
pumpkins...?

9. Favourite Place to Eat?
erm... A chinese restaurant in Sri Gombak...

10. Favourite dressing?
Casually...

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
Kelisa (soon!)

12. What are your favorite clothes?
T-shirts and 3-quarters

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
No Idea. Must be on someone's expense. haha.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?l?
It's half. Either way it is. Wait, was this supposed to mean something else?

15. Where would you want to retire?
No idea.

16. Favourite time of day ?
11pm

17. Where were you born?
Klang's hospital

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Don't watch sports

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
Dunno. But i already did this tag...

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
dunno.

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
Hm... Everyone.

22. Bird watcher?
Till my cat attacks them... (evil grin) (Lucy, come!!!!)

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night la

24. Do you have any pets?
A cat. As emo as me. Serious.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
It'll make me emo. Don't ask.

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
Too embarrasing to say di...

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Playing in school with Sai Ho and Kok Mun. Those rocked.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
Both.

29. Are you married?
U think?

30. Always wear your seat belt?
Normally nowadays. Got no Muallah.

31. Been in a car accident?
Yes.

32. Any pet peeves?
Huh?

33. Favourite Pizza Toppings?
I'm happy so long i got cheese...

35. Favourite ice cream?
Chocolate, stawberry, vanilla... aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh.

36. Favourite fast food restaurant?
Any.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Hopefully, none.

38. From whom did you get your last email?
Austin, last time i checked.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
No credit card. Yet... (evil grin)

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
Defitnately. Don't ask.

41. Like your job?
Juz fired myself

42. Broccoli?
What about it?

43. What was your favorite vacation?
JS. Which ain't no vacation.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
Family..

45. What are you listening to right now?
curses by fellow ex-juniors. I'm at a CC.

46. What is your favourite colour?
Red.

47. How many tattoos do you have?
0

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
EveryONE!!!!

49. What time did you finish this quiz?
10.48am according to this com...

50. Coffee Drinker?
Not. MILO!

2009-10-15T14:00:00.000+08:00

i just... don't... take... shit!

But i digress...

2009-10-14T12:26:00.002+08:00

Apparently i shouldn't pressure myself for words, or words won't come out at all...

(head starts a drum groove)

Apparently giving up somethings make you feel so much more... free. I'm more relaxed after...

Also, responsibilities are wierd, wierd things... They turn you inside out.

(drum groove goes out of sync)

Times have passed so fast. Sigh. I need to get my butt moving faster. Time is running out.

Peace, y'all. if only there were such a thing in my life.